Circles are one of those images that have appeared consistently throughout my life, bringing change to who I am, encouraging me to keep pushing for greatness, and showing me that I am not alone in this world. While I have always been an anxious circle doodler, the importance of these circles hit me in mid 2020 when John green released a video showing his drawings for every COVID-19 death at that time. I became conscious of how often I drew these circles, I started going out of my way to draw them more. Little did I know these circles would help me feel safer in a community I had always loved. In August of 2020 I decided to shoot my shot with a silly but cute pizza john design made entirely of circles, and sent it in to DFTBA Records never expecting an answer, but knowing I tried. Little did I know that the next day I would hear back, that it was already being considered for pizzamas 2020 and they would be in contact soon. I want to say I handled this development with grace, that i smiled and went about my normal 18 year old life. However that is not the case, i dropped to the ground and began to sob.
The thing about a circle is that it can be drawn in a single and undisturbed motion. Unlike a triangle, square, or a more complex shape like Decahedron, when drawing a circle you do not have to stop, shift your pencil, or plan your next move. It is a simple continuous movement of your hand. You could draw a circle over and over, never stopping to create a new line, until your pen finally broke through your paper.
It’s easy, yet complex that the idea of complexity in its simplest form is Something we as humans love to obsess over. And more than the shape itself we find beauty in the idea of a perfect circle. One that has not even the slightest of mistakes.
Circles are something our eyes and minds are drawn to. Everytime I go out in the woods by my house to escape whatever my mind is currently spiraling around, I look down at the rocks, and plants and every time I see a perfectly shaped circular stone, I pick it up, give it the focus it deserves, and place it gently into my pocket. By the end of the trip they always find their way back to the ground, but my mind can not let go of the idea of picking up and carrying that perfect rock, even if it's for a short time. Our minds find a place of safety and comfort within these shapes, and I think that's all my mind needs in those moments, and if these little rocks can provide that feeling, even for a fleeting second it is enough for me.
Here's the thing about life, we always hear it referred to as a circle. In school we are taught the circle of life and how each aspect affects another, and it is perfect and fluid and there is never a mistake. And then, we begin to think of our personal lives in the same way, we are born, live our childhood out, our adulthood, and eventually it is over. As simple as that. I became obsessed with this idea. I had every little detail of my circle planned out. My job, when I would graduate college, who would i be friends with, who I would marry, when I would marry, How old I would live to be. My life was going to be perfect, never disrupted, never out of shape. But here's the thing about circles that we as humans create, they are always ever so slightly different than where we originally planned them to go. You will draw thousands of circles in your lifetime, and everyone will have a flaw, where something goes ever so slightly wrong. Whether it be a small mistake in the amount of ink your pen lets out, or a sudden sound scaring you just enough that your hand moves out of line. See, moments in life are like that too whether good or bad they cause a slight flaw in the original plan you had for yourself.
I can think of many, many bumps in the circle that the eight year old version of myself had planned. Or the version that 10 year old me changed when my best friend at the time found her way into my life, or when at 15 I thought I had found the love of my life, or at 18 when I wanted to go to camp for one last summer, but the world changed around me. None of these were predicted, and I know that every past self would be heartbroken to see her well thought out life fall off the tracks, but let me tell you. It didn’t. Yes, some of those changes in our shape were hard, and hurt. But that pain led to growth, a new idea of life that relies on change and hope. My life changed because I allowed that perfect idea of a circle to change, and while it seems like a sad and hopeless thing, I am deeply aware that my life now is better than it ever would have been with the original plan. I didn’t plan to be here right now, writing this essay, I didn’t plan to be creating content about books four years after being bullied into stopping reading. I didn’t plan to have created a t shirt for the community that saved me. But I did, and yeah there were negative changes to the circle along the way. Loss of friends, an abusive relationship, mental health struggles, and a sudden change in choices for my future. But my circle, while not perfect, and obviously man made. Is beautiful and wonderful. And I am incredibly thankful for my circle, despite its flaws.
I give circles 4 stars.
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